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BUBBLES 

THE 

Bachelors ’ Birthday Boo 


BY 

STANLEY MAYALL 

»% 

OF 

SPOKANE, WASH. 


1905 

MAYHEW PUBLISHING COMPANY 

BOSTON, MASS. 


.113 7f 


LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Copies Received 

DEC 9 1905 

Copyrisrht Entry 

6b/- i/ ' 

CLASS CK XXc. No 

/ soul 

COPY B.__ 



Copyrighted 1905 

By 

STANLEY MAYALL 
All rights reserved 




To Frontispiece. 


The bottle seeks the young man’s brain, 
The bad girl would his pockets drain, 
The parson hankers for his soul, 

The devil grins—and ORDERS COAL. 







































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































BUBBLES. 


i 


— January ist. ■ - 

The devil’s red, 

The girl is blue, 

The parson’s black: 
WHAT COLOR YOU? 


— January 2nd. " ■■■■■■ 

My boy if you MUST marry, 
Marry in Idaho; 

It costs but fifteen dollars, 

To let a poor wife go. 


■■ January 3rd. " — 

He vowed he’d never smile again, 

He vowed he’d done with beer; 

A comely lass filled up a glass, 

HE GRINNED FROM EAR TO EAR. 


" ■i January 4th. ■ ■ ■ 

Said Banker B—“Take note from me, 

When worried in your mind, 

Just take a look through some FOOL BOOK, 
The foolest you can find.” 


—January 5th. 1 

And so if YOU get worried too, 

And would some surcease find, 

Just take your key from Banker B— 
And bear THIS BOOK in mind. 

















2 


BUBBLES. 


—. ■ ■ ■■■■ —— January 6th. ■ 

When e’er you see an infant child, 
Who’s daily driving mammy wild, 

To make her life as soft as silk, 

Just KILL the KID and sell the milk. 


— ■' January 7th. . . 

A boy when whipped for some light fault, 
Will often turn to “blubber”; 

But old LOT’S wife was turned to SALT 
Because she turned to “RUBBER”. 


. January 8th. ■ 

Our friends are of three different kinds, 
The first sort love us well, 

The second waive us from their minds, 
The third wish us in HELL. 


■ January 9th. ■ 

Who goes through life with groan and moan, 
Is damaged past all cure, 

For he who’s short of FUNNY BONE, 
Must be a cripple sure. 


. January 10th. - 

The postage stamp you gave a lick, 

And then you smack its face, 

And then, like schoolboy, it soon learns 
To find its proper place. 

















BUBBLES. 


3 


' January nth. — 

When BOOZY saw a glass of beer 
He said “Right pleased I am”, 
But when he saw NIAGARA. 

He only said “OH DAM”. 


■' ■■ January 12th. . . 

The cannibal took the missionaire, 

And filled him up with “dressing”, 
“He seems almighty tough”, said he, 
“I think I’ll ask a blessing.” 


1 — January 13th. — 

Twixt parable and paraphrase, 
Paragraph, pun and parody, 

Printer and paper, press and paste 
This book may somewhat P—vish be. 


■ . — January 14th. ■■■■ —» ■ 

The old maid is a giddy freak, 

She runs from men with dread 
All day and yet each night she’ll seek 
Them underneath her bed. 


"■ January 15th. ■■ " 

“Hold oft! Ranchman!!” the small boy sobbed 
“Eve, mother of us all, 

Set the example, when she robbed 
That pair tree in the ‘Fall’.” 

















4 


BUBBLES. 


. . January 16th. . 

“Oh Uncle Sam”, said AMA San, 

“You sometimes are a most rude man, 

You write, ‘STAY OUT’, ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’, 
And much WORSE THINGS—but let that pass. 


— 1 - January 17th. ■ 

Now in Japan,” said AMA San, 

“We ‘get there’ on a diff’rent plan:— 

This honorable grass just SUITS THE HONEST ASS, 
BUT is far TOO GREEN FOR THE HONORABLE 
MAN.” 


- January 18 th. — 

A sip from a running brook, 

Will seldom boys, be missed 
But ’ware the BABBLING BROOK, 
That tells when it’s been kissed. 


111 January 19th. 

Jane was a pretty stenographer, 

Who soon owned a sealskin sacque, 

Which kept her warm with the junior boss, 
Till the senior boss came back. 


——— January 20th. — 

The “old man” “cocked his weather eye”, 
And then alas and alack, 

He also contrived to make her warm 
He GAVE HER THE VULGAR “SACK”. 

















BUBBLES. 


5 


. . January 21st. — 

I do not know good reader, 
How far you will agree, 

But I’d rather die in a harem, 
Than live in a monastery. 


—— January 22 nd. .—— 

Mary had a little lamb 
Likewise some oyster stew, 

She also had some dry champagne, 
And cocktails not a jew. 


January 23rd. —— 

And after that what Mary had, 
We hardly could relate 
Yet we may say that Mary may, 
Not use the narrow gate. 


.- ■ January 24th .—■ 

“Translate me bona mater ”, the Latin mistress said; 

And Johnny Smith did quick reply, “It must be an old maid. 
Bona —bony, thin you know, mater —one who wants to mate.” 
Up rose the school-ma’am, spinster-like and smote him with 
a slate. 


■ . . . January 25th. ■ 1 . .— 

“You bold, bad boy, you, Johnny Smith, bona —that means 
‘good’, 

And mater ‘mother’ and so thereby ‘good mother’s under¬ 
stood.” 

“Bah-hoo, bul-loo, just give me time and give HER the 
CHANCE to 

And the old maid I spoke about would be ‘good mother’ too. ” 

















6 


BUBBLES. 


. January 26th. 1 — 

The curtest introduction that we ever heard of yet. 

Took place when Baron Kumover his Jewish bride first met, 
Her father was a New York Jew, a tailor eke was he, 

And when he saw the suitor come, he bended his right knee: 
“Mein Tochter, hier der Baron ist, er kommt sein suit t® 
PRESS,” 

And then he turned unto the lord: “Mein Herr, kiss mein 
HEIRESS.” 


— ■ January 27th. 

The Kaiser Wilhelm (Numero Zwei) 
Entered a village school one day: 
“The Natural History class I’ll try, 
Let the best scholar step this way.” 


— — ■ January 28th. ■ ■■■ ■ - 

“The kingdoms we divide in three, 

Animal, vegetable, min’ral, 

You small boy there, now tell to me, 

From which am I? NUN SAG’ EINMAL ” 


1 1 January 29th. . 

The TRUTH the small boy dared not say, 

That KING was fruit of BLOOD or SOD, 
He feared the charge LESE MAJESTE, 

So said “YOU’re not of these, YOU’re GOD.” 


111 January 30th. -— ■ ■■■■ 

Whereat the king the small boy kissed, 

(And on the spot he made a PRINZ 
Of that smart young diplomatist) 

And he’s BELIEVED he’s GOD e’er since. 

















BUBBLES. 


7 


- January 31st. . 

The pen is SMITIER than the sword. 

A penny’s mightier than a hoard. 

In boarding house you get “bored” 

Sore heads should “perish by the sword”. 


February 1st. . 

JUSTICE of old was lady fair, 

Clear-brained, with padded eyes; 

You could not “tip” her beam “off square” 
Her acts were fair and wise. 


■ February 2nd. — 

JUSTICE is now some bald-faced man 
(The pad round his brain lies) 

If there are scales used by his clan 
Those “scales are o’er his eyes”. 


. . .——— February 3rd. - 

EXCHANGE is not quite ROBBERY, 
That’s true of INTEREST too. 

It’s every-day, quite legal way , 

To get your cash from you. 


———— February 4th. ■■■■- 

AUSTRALIA sweet land of gums, 

Of gold and wool and green New CHUMS 
Of shadeless tree and songless bird 
And BUNYIP which at night is heard: 

“MY SHOUT”—“HERE’S HOW”, Great luck to you 
Your loyalty and gold ring true. 

Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, 

Unshamed, Undaunted, Unafraid. 


















3 


BUBBLES. 


— ■ ■ February 5th. « — — 

The Yankee opes a shirt shop, 

Twixt Fleet Street and the Strand, 

And round the World the news is hurled, 
“I’ve collared half England.” 


February 6th. .—— 

A thousand Dagoes in New York, 

Do make themselves at home, 

And round the World the news is hurled, 
“The Yankee’s collared Rome.” 


— 1,1 February 7th. .. 

The Yankee goes below at last, 

And up there comes a yell. 

And round the World, the news is hurled, 
“The Yankee has ‘GOT HELL’.” 


February 8th. ■■■ ■■. 

The Banker is a shrewd old man, 

And hath a hum’rous bent, 

He borrows from the WORKING MAN, 
At almost two per cent. 


"■ February 9th. — 

And then that shrewd old Banker man, 
He winks the other eye, 

And—safe from loss—lends labor’s BOSS 
At RATES FOUR TIMES AS HIGH. 

















BUBBLES. 


9 


. . . February ioth. ■ ■ 

’Twas HORNUND HALL, Butcher, St. Paul, 
Who paid for this pedigree, 

And if the wight fell sick with fright, 

He got but his dues, you see. 


' February nth. — 

“ Baron of beef, a big horse thief, 

And a splash of green French gall, 
One without stitch, one newly rich, 
And one with an eight-foot fall. 


■' February 12th. • 

A wand’ring Jew, a Dago too, 
And a roaming Catholic, 

A Parisite, a German knight,” 
No wonder it made him sick. 


■ — February 13th. 

Quoth Adam: “EVE, if I had riches, 

I’d go to Poole and buy some breeches.” 
Said Eve to Adam, “Right you are, 

Those fig leaves look too WARM by far.” 


February 14th. — 

The way EVE dressed, 

Gave Adam pain, 

Don’t wonder why, 

He RAISED THAT CAIN. 

















10 


BUBBLES. 


■ February 15th. ■ 

When th’ Spanish DONkey’s cloven hoof, 
Got tangled in the Yankee’s MAINE, 

It bred the strife that cost the life 
Of the mule of Matanzas plain. 


■ ■■■■■■— February 16th. '■ 

The vulgar called her fortune “dough” 
Her father called it DOT; 

Her MAMMA used the French word dot , 
Her lover—BOOTY SPOT. 


.February 17th. . . 

And folks can call it how they please, 

Or DOUGH, or dot or DOT, 

When they’ve gone through the “whole darned cheese” 
It still means BEAUTY’S POT. 


- February 18 th. — 

We knew a little maiden, 

And always thought her chaste, 

Till she got drinking “chasers”, 

And now by “COPS” she’s CHASED. 


——— February 19 th. — . 

“DO”, said the singer, “DO, ME, DO”, 
(“Donate me DOUGH”, you know), 
And it seems queer that e’en a deer, 

Is HART-BROKE without DOE. 

















BUBBLES. 


ii 


. . February 20th. ■ ■ ■ 

Oh bachelor, though great thy sins, 

And many though they be, 

There’s one great sin, you CAN’T fall in, 
And that is BIGAMY. 


■' February 21st. — 

We do not worship in the States, 

Old country bars of blood, 

Here, no one’s better than his mates, 
And often NOT AS GOOD. 


■ ■ February 22nd. ■ 

That George had foresight you’ll agree, 
He practised on a cherry-tree, 

And later he the record broke, 

At lopping branches off an OAK. 


■ ■■■ . - February 23 rd. - 

And talking of our relatives, 

It seems to me quite clear, 
English PALE Ale is half brother 
To Yankee GROWLER Beer. 


" February 24th. ■■■■ ■— ■■ 

There always are exceptions, 

However fixed the rules, 

And lawyers sometimes are not rogues, 
Because they’re merely fools. 

















12 


BUBBLES. 


■ ■ ■ ■ February 25th. . 

When I called for a poet’s license, 

The chancellor said to me-— 

“Your standard’s low, we’ll let you go, 
On bed-spring poet’s fee.” 


February 26th. 


Cotton you get at the Cotton Exchange, 

But ’twould make a saint say “damn”, 

When he looks for girls at the WOMAN’S EXCHANGE, 
And they offer him COLD BOILED HAM. 


' ■ February 27th. . . ■ 

When Johnny Bull went hunting Boers, 
He had no blooming treat, 

He dished them up with a Kitchener, 
But they wer’n’t fit to eat. 


. February 28th. — 

Don’t ever call a man a TYKE, 

His MOTHER’S name to slay, 
But say: “If e’er he breeds his like , 
’Twill be a COYOTE.” 


■ .- February 29th. —. 

When e’er you hear a puppy wail, 

While someone’s hacking off its tail, 

(Across an old pine log) 

These words just heed, YOU MEND NO BREED, 
By CUR—tailing the dog. 

















BUBBLES. 


13 


■ March 1st. ■ — . . 

“Where are you going to my pretty maid?” 

“I’m going to Portland, Sir”, she said. 
“Who are you ‘going for’ my pretty maid?” 
“Lewis & Clark; kind sir”, she said. 


■ ■—— March 2nd. —— 

“Lewis & Clark are both long dead, 
Now really won’t I do instead? 

We’ll paint half Oregon bright red”. 
The maiden shyly hung her head. 
“Yes, if you’ll pay the bills”, she said. 


,, — March 3rd. . . . 

Woman can drink her tea so hot, 

Would blight a man’s back hair, 

Though it seems strange phenomenon 
The reason I’ll declare, 

THE SKIN OF HER MOUTH IS TOUGHER, 
It’s MORE EXPOSED TO AIR. 


' ■ March 4th. ■ 

The great French artist Angoul6me, 
Once spoke this bitter truth, 
“Speak not to me of lasting fame; 
I’d FAIM all through my youth, 


»— March 5th. * 1 . .— 

“And half the FAME that I have now, 

I would endow in truth 
On him who’d ease the pain caused now, 
By lack of PAIN in youth.” 




















r 4 


BUBBLES. 


— March 6th. ■ 

DAUB tired of starving by his palette , 
He tired of groaning on his pallet, 

So learned to handle mason’s mallet, 

And now has food to please his palate. 


. ' ■ ■ ' March 7th. ————— 

Phineas Aaron Hyde P. P. made “big money”, in Milwaukee, 
So one day to himself said he, “I’ll show these people who I 
be.” 

He took a trip across the sea, simply to buy a pedigree, 

Also some arms and quarters three, likewise a motto to agree. 


, — March 8th. 1 

He found a young man in the Strand and took him gaily by the 
hand, 

“My name is Hyde and I pack pork and want you now to go 
to work 

And hang me on my family tree surmounted by my pedigree, 
It must be BANG SLAP UP”, said he, “to show the folks in 
Milwaukee.” 


.—- March 9th. ■■■ ■ 

The young man he did straight agree. (Five hundred guineas 
was his fee). 

He seeked from Dan to Milwaukee but hidden found Hyde’s 
pedigree, 

So he designed a pail of blood and by it, piles of “quarters” 
stood, 

And right across plain to the eye, wrote “SIC TRANSIT 
GLORIA MUNDI.” 














BUBBLES. 


*5 


■ March ioth. ——.——» 

He showed it P. A. Hyde, P. P., “My eye, that’s very good”, 
said he, 

“ Bucket of blood, that’s understood and quarters too, but if 
you would— ? 

Ah, now the words seem plain to me; it shows folks that I’ve 
crossed the sea 

And though I had a SICK TRANSIT a GLORIOUS MON¬ 
DAY ended it.” 


■ — March nth. — 

My son, if you seek money, 

Just mind what kind you take, 
There’s many kinds of money, 
Both good and bad they bake. 


■— March 12 th. 

There’s also patrimony, 

The kind that fathers make , 
Likewise there’s matrimony, 

A sort that’s HARD TO SHAKE, 
But worst is ALIMONY, 

Which ALWAYS is a FAKE. 


— March 13th. 1 ■■ 

Our Uncle Sam he has two gods, 

And one’s his own great flag, 

The other’s SOME ONE ELSE’S COIN, 
To fill his money bag. 
















i6 


BUBBLES. 


March 14th, ’04. ■■■ 

At BATTLE CREEK when sights you seek, 
You surely get the dumps, 

The women all make BREAKFAST FOODS, 
The men make STOMACH PUMPS. 


.... March 15th. 

If the EAGLE were a turkey 
There’s one thing, well we know, 
The grasping old politicians, 

Had plucked him long ago. 


' ■ " March 16th. — 

The foolish task to please ALL MEN, 
Is one you ne’er should try, 

You can work day and night and then, 
Won’t finish ere you die. 


■ March 17 th. — 

England’s DUTY to old Ireland 
Is simply to STAND PAT, 
What is all the whiskey for, 

Great Scot if not for that? 


——— March 18 th. 

Tell me good Satan what you do, 

When you have parsons fall to you, 
Revenge is sweet and I suppose 
You roast them well from head to toes. 
“Ah, no. It needs much patience still, 
Green things go through my drying kiln.” 

















BUBBLES. 


17 


1 March 19 th. . 

“Green things”, indeed. I would suppose 
That they were green who pay for those, 
They toil not, neither do they spin, 

Yet many shekels gather in. 

They preach, “No work, ye shall not eat”, 
Yet every day perform the feat. 


- March 20th. 

“Ah, Ha,” said Satan, “now I see, 
What ne’er before occurred to me, 

I faith, next time I get a parson, 
There’ll be a fearful case of arson. 
We have some special roasting pits, 
Where we attend to hypocrites.” 


———————— March 21st. ——— 

Said PAT, “I fear death’s GRAVELY near, 
Please WAKE me when I’m DEAD 
If I don’t hear SOAK me with beer, 

With whiskey sponge my head.” 


March 22nd. . - 

Lives of some men oft remind us, 
We may “get there” too in time, 
They also likewise remind us, 

Of the N. P. Railway sign. 


— March 23rd. 1 1 ■■ 

SIGN, which studied by another, 

Seems WED BLOTS of BLOOD and GALL, 
Hinting darkly how “our brother”, 

Ever got success at all. 

















i8 


BUBBLES. 


■ March 24. ■ 

The new-born’s face with colic creased, 

Pa grinned and said, “Now blow me! 
Look, nurse, he smiles; Oh, Ain’t I pleased , 
The little monkey knows me .” 


— —— March 25 th. ——— 

“HI, DIDDLE, DIDDLE,” now answer this riddle, 
Why the cow got “in a stew”, 

The little dog laughed—(her milk he’d quaffed) 

But the wild ox thought he GNU. 


■■ . . March 26th. ■ 

Sir Boyle Roche made a statement once 
Oft quoted as absurd, 

“You can’t be here and somewhere else, 
Unless you are a BIRD.” 


- March 27th. — 

We think Sir Boyle was in the right, 
And not an ign’rant fenian, 

Just when a bird is taking FLIGHT 
Is matter of a PINION. 


— March 28th. ■■■ 

Likewise a bird may Crane to fly, 

And fail to be a crane,— 

Or be STUCK UP like WEATHERCOCK 
And try to fly in VANE. 

















BUBBLES. 


*9 


—" » March 29th. ——— 

And e’en the brains in a calf’s head, 
Would quick the truth re-VEAL, 

A DUCK might be a MILE o’er HEAD, 
And yet might be A TEAL, (at heel) 


— March 30th. ■ — 

Two PLACES at one time? INDEED, 

No longer cry “absurd”, 

Ask PRINCE ROOSEVELT how many FEED 
On his Thanksgiving BIRD. 


. - March 31st. - 

In fact Sir Boyle is justified, 

Don’t ROCS at his BIRDS throw 
For ROCHE’S birds or BOYLED or fried 
Are IRISH BULLS you know. 


— April 1st. — 

In Youth “ DON’T CARE”, 
Old Age GRAY HAIR. 


■ — April 2nd. — 

Manchester on IRK and Irwell 

Once on Free Trade did you fare well; 

But times have changed. COBDEN would tell 
That now FREE TRADE should bid you FAREWELL. 



















20 


BUBBLES. 


—. . April 3rd. . .... 

Small boys’ faces, when wiped clean, 

Are sometimes worthy to be seen, 

But small boys’ talk can well be spared 
As seldom worthy to be heard. 


April 4th. 


We’ll give no “tips” 

Nor recall names, 

But “little chips” 

Oft make “great flames”. 


— April 5th. ■■ ■ ■ » 

“The man with the hoe ” 

Makes garlic grow, 

But whoso eats it with his meats, 
Is sure a man with ODOR. 


—— April 6th. 

“Mither, oh mither, tell tae me, 

My mind for knowledge yearns 
What makes thae sinners bawl for drink, 
If hell is fu’ o’ BURNS?” 


- April 7 th. —— 

“The ‘BURNS from which no man returns’, 

They are no’ BROOKS—they’re simply BURNS, 
Ye’ve got my lass, in the wrong CLASS, 

It’s Heaven’s fu’ o’ ‘BAIRNS’.” 






















BUBBLES. 


21 


■■■ April 8th. - 

The Scotchman’s short about the kilt, 
The Scotch girl she wears MUTCH, 
For Scotchmen aren’t like angels built, 
Nor Scotch girls like the Dutch. 


—— ■ " April 9th. —-™~— 

“Your cake you can’t both have and eat,” 
Ain’t true. We oft perform the feat, 

Some cakes we eat and find to be, 
“UNDIGESTED SECURITY”. 


_____ April 10th. 

All the girls you can sometimes kiss 
And some times you can kiss each miss, 
But all girls all times won’t stand this, 

So put a limit on your bliss. 


■ ■■■ - April nth. ——■ 

The old saw says, “a cold you feed,” 

“But fevers you must starve indeed,” 

For feverish colds you take a drink, 
There’s naught like whiskey hot, we think. 


1 — ■ — April 12th. — 

My boy, when tired of making love 
To some apprentice turtle dove, 

On older beauties cast your eyes 
And note their looks of glad surprise; 

They won’t rebuff with accents rude, 

They’ll LOVE—TO SHOW THEIR GRATITUDE. 



















22 


BUBBLES. 


- April 13 th. .. ■ ——— 

The “best man” at a wedding, 

Must always feel the worst 
For, though he’s “next a real good thing” 
Another’ll “get there” first. 


—- April 14th. . 

The early bird, he gets the worm, 

And finds him mighty good, 

But comes a time when early worms, 
Get fat on LATE BIRDS’ blood. 


■■ ■ April 15th. —— 

He was a wand’ring drummer man, 

His name was WINDY FRED, 

And with good luck five nights a month 
He slept in his own bed. 


■ " April 16th. —— 

His wife turned round on him at last: 

“Each time you go away, 

You get girls’ whiskers on your clothes, 
All shades from black to gray.” 


April 17th. ... 

“I’ve stood the whole rainbow outfit, 

(Here’s hair to stuff a bed) 

But now by GINGER I WILL QUIT 
THIS LAST YOU’VE BROUGHT is RED.” 




















BUBBLES. 


23 


— April 18th. ■ — 

What’s bred in bone comes out in hair, 

And YELLOW signals “MAN BEWARE”. 

April 19th. .— 

Women and wine begin with W, 

Take heed the end don’t rhyme with TROUBLE YOU. 


— ■ ■■ ■ April 20th. . - — 

Take a little woman, add a little wine, 

You, you blooming idiot, think she’s “just divine”, 
Make the combine sloppier, squeeze it all up well, 
And your sweet divinity won’t dry out this side hell. 


. . April 21st. - 

Oh Uncle Sam we’d like you more, 

If you would slave a little less, 

Why be a fool and ape the mule, 

Galled both day and night by harness. 


—— April 22nd. 1 — 

“There are no snakes in Ireland”, 
Now PAT, that’s mighty fine, 

It speaks such endless volumes 
For your whiskey, beer and wine. 


——— April 23rd. . 

Oh JOHNNY, JOHNNY BULL, 

Big in brain, but thick in skull, 

Your pocket’s deep, your paupers weep; 
Be CAREFUL Johnny Bull. 





















24 


BUBBLES. 


— ■■ April 24th. - 

On Monday morning Jones was hired, 

On Friday evening he got fired, 

His cheque the reason clear did state, 

“John Jones, Ten Dollars, FULL TO DATE.” 


— April 25th. . 

Never you let another man, 
Your business undertake, 
Lest over all he cast a pall, 
And quick interment make. 


April 26th. ■ ■ ■ 

When we asked him how was business, 
For reply he grimly laughed: 

“It’s sick in bed and nearly dead, 

It took a chill from a SIGHT DRAFT.” 


■■ April 27th. — ■■ 

The receiver (we hear it with grief) 

Is often much worse than the thief, 

Likewise when with BANKRUPTS compared, 
RECEIVERS are more to be feared. 


— April 28th. — 

To live as a broker it’s plain that you must, 
Combine with some others and form a small trust, 
Get father to buy and mother to sell, 

Earn the commission and you will do well. 


















BUBBLES. 


25 . 


.. April 29th. —. 

Go to a Jew and raise a loan, 

He’ll have the MEAT and you the BONE. 


— . . April 30th. - ■ 

When Georgie said he could not lie, 
The devil winked the other eye, 
And muttered with a patient sigh, 
“He’ll be a Yankee bye and bye.” 


—. - May 1 st. . 

SUCCESS, SUCCESS. That is the thing, 
Failure in life’s the one great sin. 

Have faith in self and any plan 
Moulds to success in mind of man. 


———— May 2nd. «— 

You ask a son of Uncle Sam 

His faith and breed; he says, “I am 
First, last, always American. 

And echo comes, “I CAN, I CAN.” 


■ May 3rd. -- 

For YEW I PINE my MAPLE CHERIE, 

Please FIR no ’OAKS sweet HUCKLEBERRY, 
Just LEAF your home, our ELMS we’ll PEAR, 
YEW look so SPRUCE my WILLOW ware. 



















26 


BUBBLES. 


■ ■ May 4th. ■ ■ 

The old man heard the watch dog BARK, 
And saying he WOOD ’ASH her “lark”, 
Quoth as TRUNK-tight he locked her frocks, 
“May CANTELOUP without her BOX.” 


■ May 5th. -■ 

The wise men of the olden time, 

SPAKE MUCH and sometimes spake the truth, 
How sharper than a serpent’s child, 

It is to have a thankless tooth. 


11 May 6th. —— 

“Now Johnny Smith, please tell to me 
What are the genders known to be?” 
“There’s one like you and one like me— 
That’s about two, Schoolma’am,” said he. 


——— May 7th. ■ 

“Now, Johnny Smith, you’ve oft heard tell, 
There is a neuter one as well.” 

“Then that’s the parson,” Johnny said, 
“And naught but mermaid should he wed.” 


May 8 th. — 

Solomon said in accents wild, 
“Spare the rod and spoil the child”, 
And that’s why Adam, big in brain, 
In raising Abel needed Cain. 

















BUBBLES. 


27 


" May 9th. «■ 

I’ll tell you, son, why a “wharf-rat”, 
Who sees so little else but ships, 
Always does keep so sleek and fat,— 
He feeds on “SARATOGA chips”. 


■ . May 10th. —. 

LIST to my tale you JOLLY TAR: 

You’re STARBOARDER in every PORT, 
You BACK and FILL at ev’ry BAR, 

Your BOW’S returned in each resort. 


■ May nth. . . . 

Until the SHARKS your HOLD have robbed, 

And jarred your HULL from FORE to MIZZEN, 
Then, where, “BLUE PETER” you’ve hobnobbed, 
You MISS YOUR STAYS or go to prison. 


—May 12th. ^ ■ ■ 

If comes the time, you bad male flirt, 
When you quick choice must make, 
Twixt being thought the jool who’s scar’t, 
Or ROGUE who’ll chances take— 


■ ■ . .— May 13th. .. 

Remember this:—The modern miss 
(I learnt it back in school) 

Of all on earth, does place least worth 
On him who is a FOOL. 

















28 


BUBBLES. 


■ May 14th. — 

“I never kissed”, said Ama San, 

“But we learn quickly in Japan”, 

I gave her one—and then a score, 

And after that she ASKED FOR MORE. 


——— May 15th. _ 

Now Janet had a little KIST, 

(That’s SCOTCH for “chest” you know) 
She packed it and a COCKNEY kissed, 

The KISS proved no JEST though. 


—— May 16th. — —— ■ 

Dear girls you’ll never find true mates, 

By always trying to keep “dates”, 

For dates though sweet have hearts of stone, 
More fruitful you’d find pear alone. 


— —— * May 17th. ■ 

The “GREAT WHITE CZAR” long bent on war, 
Has measured Japan’s steel, 

His great white host gave up the ghost, 

Or turned upon its heel. 


May 18 th. — ■ 

The “GREAT WHITE CZAR”, immersed in war, 
Turned loose his great white fleet, 

Once more the Jap his face did slap, 

And gave the sharks a treat. 

















BUBBLES. 


*9 


- May 19th. ■■ ' 

So the GREAT CZAR blood red with war, 
Sent ships of twelve-inch steel, 

To try to beat a fishing fleet , 

And then away did steal. 


— 1 May 20th. ——— 

If but three women were on earth, 

Right up from birth two would find mirth, 
In calling the third NAMES. 

If but three men were drawing breath, 

The proverb saith: As sure as death, 
They’d make those girls their “flames”. 


May 21st. — 

They tell me virtue is a thing, 

That will not thrive on a bald head, 
But I dare bet all I e’er get, 

It never yet did thrive on RED. 


May 22nd. 


Miracles these latter days, 
Are truly not divine, 
Proprietors of most cafes, 
Turn water into wine. 


■■ ■" May 23rd. 1 . - 

Sadie M. Jenkins was her name, 
What M was she’d ne’er tell, 
We hunted up the record man, 
And found it MINASELLE. 

















3° 


BUBBLES. 


—. . May 24th. —— 

Heimveh. A JERRYMIAD. 
Confound the man who built my house, 
Confound the plumber too, 

Confound the man who sold it me, 

And all the Jerry crew. 


■— - May 25 th. —— 

“My wife has left my bed and board,” 
“And shares no longer in my hoard.” 
“His bed has bugs, his board is bare, 
His hoard is neither here nor there.” 


May 26th. — 

The prodigal son when his trip is done, 
Now gets no fatted calf, 

But POINTED TOE and leave to go, 
Likewise the wild HORSE LAUGH. 


k 

r 

1 


—— May 27th. —— 

It matters naught a dirty hand, 

Nor e’en a dirty shirt, 

Don’t matter if you’re daubed with land, 
So long as it’s PAY DIRT. 


—■ ■■ ■■■ ■ . May 28th. ■ ■ 

You say your dearest fiancee, 
Pursued you from your youth, 
We look at it another way, 

THIS is about the truth, 

You’re nothing but her financee 
Purse-wooed by her from youth. 


















BUBBLES. 


3i 


. May 29th. — 

Just pay right promptly what you owe, 
And BANKERS envy you, you know, 
But let your paying be but slow, Sir, 
And you’re despised e’en by a grocer. 


. . May 30th. .. 

Girls you should never play at love, 
Without tight strings upon your BEAU, 
To make him gentle as a dove, 

No rasping violins show. 


■ ■ ■ May 31st. .—.M 

The RHINE, THE RHINE, the GERMAN RHINE, 
If it were beer it would be fine, 

But RHINE, OH! RHINE you GERMAN RHINE! 
If you were WINE, you’d be divine. 


. ■ June 1st. ■ ■ — 

You ask me when it’s dangerous, 
To walk by th’ riverside, 

I guess it is most dangerous, 

When the bullrush bnbies hide. 


—— June 2nd. . 

A wounded arm had JAM SET JEES, 

So posed as SIKH colonel, 

He claimed a LAKH of BRIGHT RUPEES. 
(And other kinds as well). 

















32 


BUBBLES. 


—— June 3rd. ■ 

A New York mamma took him in 
(She had a daughter Belle) 

But found he lacked “all kinds of ‘tin’.” 
(Those “bright rupees” as well.) 


- June 4th. - — - 

The devil is a fisherman, 

And fishes in the Styx, 

In every hole he finds a sole, 
And grills them on hot bricks. 


- June 5th. 

DYCK DAUBEMUP the great R. A. 
Had a bull puppy sick one day, 

So wired to FEE the great M. D. 

“Please come and cure my dog”, said he. 


. June 6th. . . 

Now FEE, M. D., quite wild was he, 

And in hot temper he wired back: 

“I start at once and you, you DUNCE, 

Please come and paint my CHICKEN SHACK.” 


- June 7th. —■ 

Hate soon finds a running mate, 
And spite a willing duplicate. 

















BUBBLES. 


33 


. . June 8th. ■ ■ 

‘‘You can’t get blood from turnips”, 

Yet be it understood, 

You CAN get lots of CATTLE-FOOD, 
Which same is twice as good. 


■... June 9th. . . ■■ ■■ ■ ■■ 

Sandy and Pat one day were caught, 

By a cannibal king, 

Said he, “Your freedom must be bought, 
What presents did you bring?” 


1 — — June 10th. . 

Straightway Pat showed an Irish duck, 
And offered it the king. 

It made the monarch jib and buck 
To see such fearsome thing. 


June nth. ———— 

“Now take that funny Irishman, 

And ram it down his throat.” 

Pat laughed; for his friend the Scotchman, 
Had brought a BILLY GOAT 


■ - June 12th. . ■■■ ■■.— 

The “gentle Jew” is scarce divine 
And gets some Gentile “digs”, 

He will not take his food from swine, 
BUT LENDS TO, OR ON PIGS. 

















34 


BUBBLES. 


- June 13th. . 

You might as well throw flour in hell, 

And angel cakes expect to get, 

As “buck” a “trust” and not get “bust”, 

“Old Nick” and “trusts” are one YOU BET. 


—.. . June 14th. . - ■ ■■■ 

There’s one fine thing about old maids, 
(Though nurseries they abhor), 

That every one when life is done, 

Has made a bachelor. 


— 1 June 15th. ———— 

Old BEN E DICK, he scratched his pate 
And said “I guess and calculate 
Our union tolerates a state, 

Which I do just abominate, 

In it the woman rules her mate, 

It’s called the MATRIMONIAL STATE.” 


- . June 16th. - ■■■ 

It may have once been said before 
But wisdom never dies, 

Always remain a bachelor 
And TRAIN YOUR KIDS LIKEWISE. 


-■■■ 1 June 17th. ■■ 

America, Britain, Canada, 

And you can add Australia too, 

The A. B. C. of mundane worth, 

The cream of Anglo-Saxon birth, 

Their people are the SALT OF EARTH. 

















BUBBLES. 


3S 


—■ * 1 June 18th. —.— 

“When the wind is in the East, 

Tis neither good for man nor beast,” 

And thinking Britons rue the day 

They let that NORTH wind have free play. 


" ■ June 19th. . . 

In England, sad teetotallers display a ribbon blue, 

It is a sign that beer and wine for ever they eschew, 

In America things diff’rent are, the best beer in a bottle 
Has ribbon blue tied on askew, around its blessed throttle. 


■ June 20th. —- 

She has a Grecian countenance, 

She has a Roman bust, 

Her smile is bom of Sunny France, 
And not ruled by a Trust. 


——— June 21st. ■ ■— 

Her heart is from the Torrid Zone, 
Her teeth of Ceylon Pearls, 

Her eyes from Heaven get their tone, 
Of Indian silk her curls. 


" ' June 22nd. —— 

There’s nothing like her, East or West, 
Her peer will ne’er be made, 

Of all world’s girls, SHE IS THE BEST, 

I toast THE YANKEE MAID. 


















36 


BUBBLES. 


■ June 23rd. —— 

NEW YORK you scarce can gallant be 
You perch “THE LADY” OUT AT SEA, 
Yet it is plain as plain can be. 

You give “THE TIGER” LIBERTY. 


-- 1 ■ ■ ■ June 24th. ■ ■■ . . . 

Where LIBERTY doth shed her LIGHT, 

On ships inbound for New York’s bight, 

The question might be upwards hurled: 

Whence comes the light that LIGHTS THE WORLD? 


— ■ June 25th. ■ ■ 

Is’t made of water-gas and thrust 
Upon the public by a TRUST ? 

Or does it come from STANDARD OIL, 

That BASTARD born of FREEDOM’S SOIL? 


1 June 26th. — 

Or is it ELECTRICITY? 

Type of the country’s ENERGY. 
If else that statue oft will be 
Light for cynic’s mockery. 


June 27th. — 

’Twixt “the lady and the TIGER,” 
The young man’s chance is slim. 
She eat not it, it eat not her, 

For BOTH are AFTER HIM. 

















BUBBLES. 


37 


— 1 June 28th. ■ 

Oh PARIS; Gay Paree, 

Your life’s one giddy spree, 

From your warm lips we’d take sweet sips, 
Yet dare not marry thee. 


— 1 June 29th. ■ ■■ —. . 

The bald-headed brute from the day he wed, 
With his wife divided square, 

With the back of his brush he polished his head 
And USED THE BRISTLES ON HER. 


— June 30th. 

Your dimes of Peace 
Save up for w r ar: 

I know just what 
Those Germans are. 


——July 1st. " «■ ■■ — 

HAIL! Canada: Hail JEAN CANUCK: 

As strength and worth so be your luck. 

You weld two seas with bands of steel, 
Through virgin North you wend your heel. 
Your aim is Peace, your heart is light, 

Yet PAARDEBURG shows how you fight; 
CHILD OF AN EMPIRE; work and brain 
Will EMPIRE make in YOU again. 


■ July 2nd. —— 

“HOCH”, says the Kaiser. “HOCH means HIGH 
And Vm no light-weight JOCH, 

Beware how you SCORN MAJESTY, 

Or you in CHOCH I’ll SOCH”. 

















38 


BUBBLES. 


———— July 3rd. ■■■■ . — 

Whether Sampson Schleyed the Philippines 
With the jawbones of newspaper fiends, 

And whether Funston rivers swam, the public does not give a 
dam, 

But one thing worries us and this is 
The fact that Hobson got those kisses. 


— July 4th. . — 

Oh, this is the day we blow babies away 
To show we have got them to spare 
And we make a big noise, which pleases the boys 
But leaves a bad smell in the air. 


. . July 5th. — —. ■■ «— — 

A Yankee and a Britisher they took a trip one day, 

The trip it was across the Styx, for—sooth, they’d gone to 
stay, 

And when upon the farther side they found a long wide room, 
With barbers’ chairs and spittoons, toothpicks and chewing 
gum. 


■ July 6th. — 

At which spake up the Yankee man “now this is awful nice, 
I’ve been a good man in my time so now find PARADISE”. 
The Englishman he stood aghast, then on his knees he fell, 
“OH, SAM, YOU don’t know where you’re AT; GREAT 
SEIZER, THIS IS HELL.” 














BUBBLES. 


39' 


■■ July 7th. 1 ■ ■ 

The “Britisher” and the “Yankee” “some different” are 
“ you bet”, 

The Yankee likes his whiskey “neat” while Johnny likes 
his “wet”, 

Samuel wants a green cigar and John must have his dry. 

“Chauflez the claret”, John Bull says, Sam likes some ice 
nearby; 

But you would find if “furriners” at either threw their mud, 

That neither wine nor smoke nor whiskey were half as thick 
as blood. 


. July 8th. ■ - 

Jade cured her man of “going out”, 

The cure’s complete without a doubt, 
He never more to “club” will roam, 
Because she keeps a “club” at home. 


■ July 9th. — 

They say you “stand at FORTUNE’S DOOR”, 

They’ll “LET YOU IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR”, 
Just so; that’s what they’ll surely do, 

And to the CELLAR YOU’LL FALL THROUGH. 


— July 10th. ■■ 1 ■- 

And when they offer you a “SNAP”, 

Remember what befell the rat. 

He got HIS neck inside a TRAP, 

Last thing he HEARD & FELT was THAT. 














4 ° 


BUBBLES. 


. July nth. ■ 

“I’ll put you NEXT A REAL GOOD THING”, 
Is what they also sometimes say, 

And that’s JUST WHAT the CHICKEN got, 
When the AXE came next his way. 


■ » July 12th. . . . ■■ - - 

He used to boast his Gypsy Queen, 

But now has changed his tune, 

To-day he mourns his TIPSY QUEAN, 
And hopes for divorce soon. 


1 " July 13 th. . 

And often and often old HENPECK 
Crys to the angels to bring her, 

He wishes he’d WRUNG her swan-like neck, 
Instead of her THIRD LEFT FINGER. 


—. July 14th. ■ ■■ ■ ■ ■ 

VIRTUE’S a thing which seems much tinged 
With pesky “don’t” and “won’t” 

And often you will find it hinged, 

On EVERLASTING CAN’T. 


— ■ July 15 th. ■■ ■ 

Some of the old-time sayings 
We fail to understand: 

The greatest engines upon earth 
Are FOUNDED in the SAND. 

















BUBBLES. 


41 


— . 1 July 16th. — 

The sights that make the ANGELS WEEP 
And BALD MEN tear their hair, 

Are girls who’re UGLY WHEN ASLEEP, 
They’re FAUL who should be “fair”. 


1 July 17th. . 

The SEATTLE SPIRIT seems to me 
One-fourth wood alcohol to be 
SIN, SWEAT AND SORROW—add these three 
Result—SEATTLE PIETY. 


■ — - .— July 18th. — < 

Frisco the FRISKY is famous for 
FLEAS, “FLEWSIES” AND FELO DO SE: 
It’s built on sand, instead of land, 

And has castles by the sea. 


■ - July 19th. . 

There’s a WILD WESTERN TOWN called Spokane, 
Which is “run” by BILLY SHANNAN, 

It’s full of old sports 
And wicked resorts, 

And the favorite expression is DAM. 


■■■ July 20th. ■ 1 . .— 

Old Caesar as a warrior, 

Was always full of fight, 

He spread his arms all o’er the land, 
And thus SEIZED ALL IN SIGHT. 

















42 


BUBBLES. 


' - July 21st. ■ ■ ■— 

The barman, one would not suppose, 
Of shy or modest race: 

Yet when “behind the bars”, he knows 
He’s in his proper place. 


1— July 22nd. ■ 

She BASTED his meat, she BASTED his clothes, 
She BASTED his head: Indade 
She had a great passion for Basting things, 

Had that BASTE of an Irish maid. 


July 23rd. —— 

Just heed when hunting a “scape goat” 
The goat with pointed horn. 

It might but take his head to make 
You wish you’d ne’er been born. 


—— July 24th. — 

The HUGly truth is hard to BEAR:— 
By “grisly” “silver-tips” 

Your SON I fear, in search of deer 
Has suffered an HE-CLIPS. 


— July 25th. — — 

The rattler is the gentleman, 
Among all snakes we know, 

He springs a warning rattle first, 
Before he strikes a blow. 

















BUBBLES. 
July 26th. 


43 


“A mine is a hole in the ground, 
And the owner is a liar.” 

It becomes a varicose vein 
When INFLICTED on a buyer. 


——————— July 27th. — 

“I know a bank whereon the wild thyme blows.” 

Likewise a BANK whereby the great MINT grows, 
And though THYME’S sweet and time we have to spend, 
I’d prefer MINT and thyme and money lend. 


. July 28th. —■ ■■■■ - 

“My lord, you say you seek of me, 

My youngest girl and millions three, 

And though your w r ants seem DAMASK CHEEK 
I gladly grant you what you seek, 

But let me say before they go, 

That both were made in CHICAGO.” 


— July 29th. ■ 11 

There is no truth about some soap, 
In the sweet buy and buy, 

Unless the truth be that the dope 
Is nothing but a LYE. 


■ July 30th. —— 

The chemist asked for seventy cents, 
DEAF paid him twenty e’en 
He’d swindled DRUGS of fifty cents,— 
Yet swindled been fifteen. 

















44 


BUBBLES. 


■■■■ July 31st. .— 

Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner, 
Eating some damsoon pie, 

He was weaned on “hasty pudding”, 
So may ketchup ere he die. 


——— August 1st. ■ 

“As pure as snow” means HEART OF ICE, 
And won’t suit me at any price, 

I’d rather wed an Indian red, 

Than have a SNOWDRIFT near my bed. 


August 2nd. ■ ■'■ » ■■■ .. ■ 

Quaff and the girl quaffs with you, 
Whine and you wine alone, 

Chaff and the world chaffs with you, 
Sleep and you sleep ALONE. 


. August 3rd. ■ —■ ■■ 

Don’t build your castles in the hair, 

(Your skull mayn’t stand the strain) 

If you would plant them fair and square, 
Build them on brawn and brain. 


August 4th. — ■ 

I hied me to the wedding, 

The bridegroom, drunk was he, 
The bride she sighed and softly cried: 
“Please won’t you comfort me?” 

















BUBBLES. 


45 


i —— August 5th. ■ 

I comforted the “blooming bride”, 
I sat her on my knee, 

Next day the man a suit began 
For damages from me. 


— August 6th. ..- 

The “best man” at the wedding, 

Almost did spoil the day, 

He got so blooming jealous, 

He “GAVE THE BRIDE AWAY”. 


August 7th. . 

From my youth up I have embraced 
Faith, Hope and others, and agree 
With sage who’s saying’s uneffaced, 
“Greatest ’mong these is charity.” 


' ■ — August 8th. .. 

She wore but wreathes of roses 
Her name was Yaw Wee Let, 

And that’s why, though ’twas years ago, 
The “EAST KEEPS CALLING YET.” 


■ August 9th. -— ■ 

You envy John his turtle dove, 

When home he comes; yet sure as death 
She hugs him not to show her love, 

She simply wants to smell HIS BREATH. 

















46 


BUBBLES. 


—— August ioth. ■■ ■ ■—■ 

One was a rude and ill-taught boy, 
The other of pedigree, 

The former the latter did annoy, 

By whistling him you see. 


August nth. — 

‘‘Now get you out, you dirty lout, 

It is no dog I be.” 

“Oh, I don’t know, I guess you’ll grow”, 
The tough boy said with glee. 


. August 12th. ■ ' 1 . . . ■■ 

This thing remember DO NOT KILL, 

Or Uncle Sam will send the bill: 

Dagoes ten dollars, Swedes fifteen, 

And “Chinks” “most any price” between. 

What e’er you slay DON’T KILL A QUAIL, 
That’s fifty “plunks” and MONTHS IN JAIL. 


——-- August 13th. .. 

“Cupid, Wise Child, please sheathe your dart, 
And state the cure for broken heart.” 

“Hearts do not break, that’s quite absurd, 

The damaged part must be re-PiVIRED.” 


— . August 14 th. ——■ - 

The girl stood on the chicken’s neck, 
(The roosters all had fled) 

Said she, “I’ll stand here half the week, 
If need be—till it’s dead.” 


















BUBBLES. 


47 


■ August 15th. ■■■ — ■ ■ 

ONE THING about that PUMPKIN PIE, 
That “mother used to make”, 

’Twould never on your stomach lie, 

Like SISTER’S “MARBLE CAKE”. 


1 August 16th. —— 

’Tis often said that women are as deep as is the sea, 

And those who know God’s masterpiece will surely quite 
agree, 

One’s a sexless mermaid (she s called CUM GRANO SAL) 
Another’s strictly MARRY TIME, another’s NAUGHTY 
GAL. 


. August 17th. —-™ —■ ' — 

Old Solomon had “lady friends”, 

Some hundreds—and some few, 

From him our wisdom all descends, 

THEY TAUGHT HIM ALL THEY KNEW. 


— August 18th. .. 

These things in life we plainly see, 

Rats and mice can ne’er agree, 

Hares and rabbits won’t combine, 
There’s no bond ’twixt sheep and kine; 
It is also just as clear, 

A LOBSTER can’t long hold a DEAR. 


■ ■ August 19th. 1 1 1 1 

Why babies aren’t like chickens hatched, 

We don’t have long to seek: 

Our women dear, we muchly fear, 

COULD NE’ER SIT STILL A WEEK. 

















48 


BUBBLES. 


■ » - August 20th. * 1 - 

Women must always have their wills, 
And if they sometimes “put on frills” 
We wonder why they put them where, 
A man is not supposed to stare. 


August 21st. 1 

“The reason why we put on frills, 

You men cannot divine, 

The reason’s here:—That neighbors near 
Can see them on the line .” 


" August 22nd. ——— 

There’s many a ship ’twixt CUP AND LIP- 
TON. So we all agree 
To toast his pluck and drink his luck 
In Lipton’s Ceylon tea. 


■——- August 23rd. ——— 

SAINT LOUIS, OH, SAINT LOUIS, 

MRS. HIPPY AND MISS HOURI, 

ONE GIRL PERCHED ON EITHER KNEE. 
WHERE’S your blessed SANCTITY? 


—- August 24th. — ■ 

I do not like the slangy girl, 

With me she don’t agree, 

For when I offered her my heart: 
“Oh! Cut it out”, said she. 

















BUBBLES. 


49 


1 August 25th. —- 

Rouge paint upon a woman’s face, 
A sign is without fail, 

At any time or any place:— 

THIS PROPERTY FOR SALE. 


1 August 26th. — 

The WELSH girl from Moelfre, 
She made the folks stare, 
She’d “bats in her belfry” 

And “rats” in her hair. 


' August 27th. —— 

Whene’er a woman sells herself 
To get some piece of dress, 
However small the asked-for pelf 
She always is WORTH LESS. 


' ■ August 28th. .—— 

There was a maid quite unafraid 

Who’d say, so mortal shy, when kissed:— 
“What I endure I need not cure 
For I’m a Christian Scientist.” 


. August 29th. 1 — 

To say she’s slow is hardly fair, 
Indeed it’s quite unkind, 

In one short hour she’ll fix her hair , 
A second suits her mind. 

















5o 


BUBBLES. 


—. » August 30th. 

The reason men call women DUCKS 
To me at th’ ball occurred, 

On one part she some DRESSING tucks, 
And all the rest is BARED. 


' August 31st. . .—— 

There are “eyes of blue” and others too, 

Brown eyes that shyly wink at you, 

And dark eyes of a dreamy hue, 

And eyes that look you through and through. 
But of all eyes, black, brown or blue, 

’Ware most the eyes that look “GOO-GOO”. 


. September 1st. " 

The devil saw the “lobster” and gripped him by the claw, 

“ Come right into my parlor, the warmest you e’er saw, 
Though you have scarce a fish-louse soul come in and come to 
stay, 

You’ll find a warmer WHELK-HOME here than is at ~ 
OYSTER BAY.” 

Now when he heard those awful words the “lobster” he was 
“blue” 

But later turned aurora red when he began to stew. 


" September 2nd. —": 

J. P. Morgan he—was a man of great renown, 

And when he got to London he guessed he’d bought the 
town, 

In New York he rose balloon-like and sad it is to tell, 

That when he struck the old world he like a sand-bag fell. 















BUBBLES. 


5* 


' ■' September 3rd. — 

“I know a lot of funny things,” 
Said Tot, “I learnt from Mar, 
She says a door is not a door, 
The time when it’s a jar.’” 


■ September 4th. —— 

“My Pappar when I told him said, 
‘My daughter, right you are, 
Adore no longer stays adore, 

When it’s a fam’ly jar.’ ” 


September 5th. 11 — 

“Sir”, said the nurse, “I must relate, 
You have a girl, likewise its mate.” 
Said Pa, “That’s sad, the first call Kate, 
The second w r e’ll name Duplicate.” 


■■ September 6th. ■ ■■■■■ 

To see BEN HUR doth Mabel go, 

To see her Ben trots little Flo, 

To watch sweet ANNA HELD trips Elf, 
While Mae prefers the “hug” herself. 


—- September 7th. 

SOCIETY would seem to be 

A strange HYBRID MONSTROSITY, 
Good,—bad,—likewise of low degree, 
Also Dorcas SEW-SIGH-EAT-TEA. 

















52 


BUBBLES. 
September 8 th. 


A LABOR UNION is a thing 
Which labors little WORK to bring, 
And half THAT WORK it relegates, 
To JAWS of talking DELEGATES. 


. . . . ' ' September 9th. —— 

The Belgian, he dines a la carte 
The Frenchman a la horse , 

The Scotchman thrives on table d'oat; 
The Yankee uses FORCE. 


.. September 10th. » 

“Early to bed, early to rise”; 

Speaks of hard labor—at capital’s price. 


. September nth. — . 

Mary had a little lamb and swallowed it with ease, 

But what made Mary so contrary was the mintsauce and the 
peas. 


. September 12th. - 

If good old whiskey makes you frisky 
Just let the whiskey pass 
And if good beer makes you talk queer, 
Drink WATER LIKE AN ASS. 


— . . September 13th. - 

Donkeys and teetotallers, 

Must ever sober be, 

Because, we think, their staple drink 
Has no ’lasticity. 





















BUBBLES. 


S3 


— ■■■■ September 14th. — 

Groggs went and asked the barman 
If he’d give him one month’s “tick”. 
“Nay, nay,” said Hank, “this ain’t a bank 
And I’m no saloonatic.” 


—— September 15th. ■ . .■— 

“Young man, if you would head the rush, 
Use the modern electric push.” 

“ Get out, old man your wits are dull, 

I use the good old-fashioned PULL.” 


" September 16th. 

The old man was “beside himself”— 
Almost—with senile rage, 

To think he’d ne’er “got next” himself, 
Till harassed by old age. 


■■■ ■ ■ September 17th. 1 " ■ 

The Dagoes have a saying, full true in any place, 

“He who spits against the wind but spits in his own face.” 
And every politician knows when struggling in the race, 

That he who jostles ’gainst the “push” soon gets pushed 
out of “place”. 


- September 18th. - 

The “THIN RED LINES” on hist’ry’s page 
Speak war and “war is hell”, 

But thin red lines cross ledger page, 

Breathe peace and say “ALL’S WELL”. 

















54 


BUBBLES. 


- ■■■■ September 19th. ■ 

The reason that with parson folk, 

I never now agree ? 

One of them wed my rich maid aunt, 
Another married vie. 


September 20th. 


An open foe, 

Though no God-send, 

Is not so bad, 

As is FALSE FRIEND. 


— ■ September 21st. ■ ■» 

A kiss is nothing to give, you bet, 

But it’s meat and drink and—more, to get. 


111 September 22nd. — " ■ 

A penny saved is expense waived; 

And though ’tis true you know, 

The men with hoe earn little “dough”, 
The men who owe save dollars so. 


— September 23rd. —■» 

Here’s to the man who has no bread, 
Because he has no “dough”, 

We want to make him meet to live, 
By offering TOAST you know. 

















BUBBLES. 
September 24th. 


55 


The stork may bring the baby, 
Or ’hap the doctor will, 

Let that be which it may be, 
With it—will come a BILL. 


- . September 25th. 1 1 

There was a man named Billy Pratt, 
Whose feet were big, so he “stood pat”, 
He also had a most thick head, 

On which he might have stood instead. 


—September 26th. ■ ■■ — ■ 

BEET was a man who got his “knowledge”, 

From CORRESPONDING “business” COLLEGE, 
We shipped him goods, attached a draft 
To bill of lading— and he laughed. 

He thought a BONUS was the draft. 


.— September 27th. ■■■■ ■ ■ ■— 

Whene’er your hat flies with the wind, 
Stand still and do not mind, 

For as a rule, some other fool 
Will run your hat to find. 


- September 28th. ——— 

In accents queer, Tallboy said, “DEAR 
Alice where are you AT?” 

She said, “Don’t fear, I AM DOWN HERE. 
UNDER my GAINS’BRO HAT.” 


















BUBBLES. 


56 


■ ■ September 29th. — 

Jove’s care for man 
Will never cease 
While man CARES for 
JOVE’S MASTERPIECE. 


September 30th. ■■ 

Oh PATRICK, WILFUL PAT, 
Who loves the gay combat. 

First at love’s bar and first in war, 
No wonder w r e STAND PAT. 


■ . . — October 1st. ■ 

James—Fitz—Fuddle—Crewe—Dyke—cum—Splash, 
Would seem to be a man of DASH; 

But use the dash as MINUS sign, 

And JIMMY SPLASH ‘‘cuts much less shine.” 


" ' ■ ■ October 2nd. . . . 

The dullard with the hourly joke, 
“I kept on sawing wood”, 

Might just as well be down in hell, 
And “ keep on sawing wood”. 


- October 3rd. ■ - . . . ■■ 

The stoop of hell shows few wear holes, 
The reasons they are these, 

That all the guests have lost their soles, 
And go in on their knees. 

















BUBBLES. 


57 


1 October 4th. < 

The road to hell some people say, 

Is paved with good intentions, 

And ’sooth the road to Washington 
Is paved with good INVENTIONS. 


——— October 5th. — —■ ■ 

When Jack from James got such hard names, 
Would give a mule a spasm, 

Said Jack to James - —“You go to flames, 
You hide-bound PROTOPLASM.” 


October 6 th. 


The parson told his mother, 

He “feared for the boy’s soul”, 
Instead of a “bump of reverence”, 
He simply had a hole. 


■October 7th. ■ — 

Little Jack Horner ran a wheat corner, 

And soon sowed his wild oats, 

Some wicked old “bears” got in unawares, 

And “mussed up” the market like “shoats”. 


—— October 8th. 1 ■■ 

Chicago on the inland sea, 

MUD, BLOOD AND CRIME your history, 
CHICAGO—Study yourself well, 

You’ll make the future site of hell. 


















BUBBLES. 


58 


.— October 9th. . .— 

He is a wild jack rabbit, and, 

His name is PEND D’OREILLE, 
And he’s no good till he gets CANNED, 
His habits are so gay. 


■■■ October 10th. ■■■ 

Old John Gotrox failed in his plan, 
A stout and lusty heir to get, 

He wed his girl to a drayman 
But she’s riding her cycle yet. 


October nth. 1 

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 
To see if her “fixings” were there 
But was taken aback for alas and alack, 
Her TEETH had eaten her HAIR. 


—«=* October 12th. 

If your foe doth hire a liar 
You hire a liar too, 

Because when it comes to lying, 
Naught but a lawyer will do. 


. October 13 th. ——— 

Lawyers, lepers, loans and lice, 
These things avoid at any price, 
You’ll note that each begins with L, 
And that is where they end as well. 


















BUBBLES. 

October 14th. 


59 


She was a dear , sweet dicky bird, 

Built on the nightingale plan, 

We heard her TRILL, then saw her BILL 
And found her a PELICAN. 


■ ■■ October 15th. 

And Peter took the parson, 

And threw him down the slide, 
“Your soul is like a boot’s,” said he; 
“Just worn on the outside.” 


1 October 16th. — ■ 

“The meek shall inherit the earth”, 

And if they can BORROW a spade, 

The “brazen” who’ve gathered up “brass”, 
Will pay them small fees for their aid. 


■■■ ■„— October 17th. . 

Some girls just dote on turkey birds, 
While some are fond of geese, 
Others hanker for wild duck, 

And feathered things like these. 


■— October 18th. ——— 

But put the whole lot to the test, 
This fact you’ll plainly mark, 
The kind of girl that men love best, 
Is she who loves a LARK. 

















6o 


BUBBLES. 


. October 19th. ■— 

Good “bookworm” when, bookstalls you “sack” 
Don’t judge old booklets by the back, 

No blood-stained butcher needs reminding, 

Of how much offal’s in calj binding. 


■ October 20th. ■■ 

“Your book is full of good things.” True, 
Just keep that wobbling man in view, 
He’s also full of “good things” too, 

But still no use to me or you. 


———— October 21st. ■ ■■■■■ —— 

Now BARABAS was a PLUMBER 
And plumbers they are “frights”, 

Their JOINTS AND ELBOWS may NICK break 
And BLOW OUT ALL THEIR LIGHTS. 


' October 22nd. « ■ 1 ■■ ■ 

The man with the hoe and he who’s slow 
Are two folks you should shun, 

The man who hoes earns dirty hose 
And he who’s slow earns none. 


- October 23rd. —— 

Stope “blew in” with a mining man 
And thought he’d millions make, 
But Quartz felt in a hum’rous vein 
So offered him a “steak”. 

















BUBBLES. 


61 


— October 24th. — 

Turkeys from mankind get poor grace, 

(They are cut up after they are crammed) 
Turkey repays the human race, 

Through its agent “ABDUL the D’HAM’D”. 


— 111 October 25th. ■ 

The man who always thinks he’s “IT” 
May well be hit “some more”, 

Until he feels,from head to heels, 

A bastinadoed bore. 


1 October 26th. . 

Old Nero built a church organ, 

Eight graded pigs in row , 

On them the gamut down he ran, 

EACH SQUEALED when struck a BLOW. 


——— October 27th. ■ 

The GREATEST COUNTRY UPON EARTH, 
Is what you boast of Uncle Sam. 

You’ve mines and forests of vast worth, 

You’ve means to work them Uncle Sam, 


■ ■■ October 28th. . 

You’ve brain and brawn, and honest birth, 

You’ve ships and soldiers Uncle Sam, 

The only sign of any dearth that’s evident Uncle Sam, 

Is in the WORTH put on the BERTH of YOUR PRESI¬ 
DENT Uncle Sam. 

















62 


BUBBLES. 


— October 29th. — 

NEGLECT to make money, 
You meet with disgrace, 
But FAIL to make money 
You get a TOP PLACE. 


■ ■ ■■■■ — October 30th. . . 

When mad and in wild flurry, 

Just calm you down and wait, 

Nick feeds his imps on impulses 
They’re surely HELL’S BEST BAIT. 


- ■■ — ' 1 October 31st. — ■ 

I asked the small boy why he grinned, 
Another grin, grinned he, 

“The boss came back, peeped through a crack, 
And caught me WORKING. SEE ? ” 


— - . November 1st. ■■■ " ■ 

WIND on her HANDS she greatly fears, 
So keeps them warmly wrapped, 

Yet leaves her LIPS exposed to HEIRS, 
She likes to have THEM “CHAPPED”, 


——November 2nd. ■ 

There was a young girl named Jap-ANN, 

Who got her ARMS ’round the WHITE MAN, 
She showed him DEFEAT, 

And sunk half his fleet, 

And behaved like a fierce AMA SAN. 

















BUBBLES. 


6 3 


———— November 3rd. - . 

This MAXIM learns the JAP recruit, 

The day when he enlists: 

“Should RUSSIANS get your ARMS for loot, 
Keep fighting with your FISTS”. 


. November 4th. ■ ■ — 

ALL fair in LOVE and WAR? NO. Not by a foresight, 
There’s blood that’s RED; wives GRAY with dread and 
powder BLACK as NIGHT. 

ALL FAIR? All FLAME were better name. For 
MATCHES start both well, 

EXPLOSIONS come, likewise DUM DUM and LOVE like 
WAR is HELL. 


■ ■» ■■ ■ ■ ■ November 5th. —— 

The Russian creed is a SLAVish one 
And believes in a final roast, 

It fears “Old Nick” and Nick the son, 
And worships the Great White Ghost. 


November 6th. — 

Five LIRES a “plunk” in Italy 
Will leave no change behind, 

But in the States, much lower rates 
For liars you can find. 


November 7th. . 

He felt like a SOVEREIGN in England, 

But he felt LIKE TEN CENTS in the States, 
Until he was thrown on his wits, and 
Then he ran with the best, for his mates. 



















6 4 


BUBBLES. 


■ November 8th. —— 

Oh TAFFY you’re TRUE BLUE, 
And JENNY’S sweet all through, 
Fact all your girls, from toes to curls 
Are sweet as taffy too. 


■ November 9th. —.— - 

EDWARD DEI GRATIA REX BRITT. The “quidlet” 
bears, 

And every time that BRIT’s spelt so the thinking Briton 
swears, 

The extra T, it sure must be in warning memory 
Of the other sort that Boston port threw out into the sea. 


.— November 10th. < —— 

“Mother, the Dago flatters me”, 

Said slant-eyed Hulda in her glee. 

Quoth Caesar as he passed me by— 
“NON ANGELA sed ANGLE EYE.” 


■ ■■■■■ ■ November nth. — ■ 

The “shades” of night were low’ring fast 
As through a Western village passed 
A youth who looked for no advice, 

A “drummer” for that strange device:— 
EXCELSIOR. 


. .. 1 ■ November 12th. ■ . . 

His brow was sad and from beneath 
There flashed a fearsome whiskey breath, 
And yet like silver clarion rung 
That word for ever on his tongue:— 
EXCELSIOR. 



















BUBBLES. 


65 


November 13th. ■ 

In happy homes he cast a blight, 
Where’er he sold his bed stuff light, 
From mothers’ lips escaped a groan, 
The children added many a moan:— 
EXCELSIOR. 


1 November 14th. ■' « 

“Try not that ass”, the old man said, 
“There’s something mean about its head,” 
That’s why the bedstuff youth replied: 
“Just so, I’d rather walk than ride.” 
EXCELSIOR. 


——— November 15th. ■ 

“Oh, stay,” the maiden said, “and rest, 
Thy bed-sprung brain upon my breast.” 
“You bet!” the bed stuff youth did cry; 
And then he winked the other eye. 
EXCELSIOR. 


- November 16th. ——— 

“Beware the pine tree’s withered branch. 
Beware land agent’s hillside ranch, 
Beware the wily rattler’s bite.” 

No wonder he got out of sight. 
EXCELSIOR. 


.— November 17th. . 

At break of day as country-ward 
Went out the agents of “BURN HARD”, 
Their voices brake the startled air:— 
“Catch him; that bed stuff’s fine to flare.” 
EXCELSIOR. 

















66 


BUBBLES. 


. . " i ■ November 18th. .— 

A “ drummer ” by the faithful hound, 
Half buried in the snow was found, 
And sticking to him like a vise 
They found that girl who was so nice. 
EXCELSIOR. 


■ — November 19th. — — 

There in the dead-house cold and gray, 

The bed-stuff youth, like bed clothes lay, 

The VERDICT render’d in a trice 
Was:—“FROZEN STIFF BY MUCH ADVICE.” 
EXCELSIOR. 


— ' November 20th. ——— 

We guess that CARIES chickens, 

Are hatched from rotten eggs, 

And why they’re always on the wing, 

THEY’RE LOOKING FOR THEIR LEGS. 


" November 21st. . . ■ 

We know a bard whose name sounds hard, 

For he’s called RUDYARD KIPLING, 
Sponsorial —hie patronymic, 

Much sounds like GOOD BARD TIPPLING. 


— 1 November 22nd. ■ 

And when at last, his life gone past, 

His SOUL is FLOODWARD RIPPLING, 
You sure may bet, we’ll ne’er forget, 

Our good bard RUDYARD KIPLING. 


















BUBBLES. 


67 


- November 23rd. . . 

“Advance Australia,” Sherlock said, 

“I know you by your walk, 

And guess you’re from the ‘NEVER LAND’, 
Because ! see ‘CORNS TALK’.” 


■■■ .— November 24th. 11 

Tell me why Sam gets on apace, 

While John seems laggard in the race, 
The reason’s here:—that Sam will do 
While Johnny will merely MILDEW. 


■ November 25th. 

“GOLDEN WEST” is a figure of speech, 

And that is hyperbole, 

THE GOLD IS ALWAYS OUT OF REACH, 
So shun the empty bowl. 


1— November 26th. — 

It’s oft the woman without “ shift”, 
Who seeks the sealskin sacque, 
And feeling her unworthiness, 
Wants judging by her back. 


<- November 27th. • 

Envy not him “way up in G”, 
The star which just now fell, 
Seemed fixed for all eternity, 

Yet fell—WAY DOWN TO L. 



















68 


BUBBLES. 


—» November 28th. ■ — ■ 

There ARE men who have “buttons” 
That won’t hold up their pants 
And they oft visit “uncles”, 

Because they visit “haunts”. 


— November 29th. .. 

Men do not love the dancing girl, 

Nor love they her who paints her face. 

The former’s sole is in her FEAT, 

The latter’s ART’S in the WRONG PLACE. 


— November 30th. “ 

SANDY, SANDY, SANDY, 
SANDY good and true, 
SANDY “nane sae dusty”, 
GRIT ye air right through. 


■ December 1st. 

German mother, 
English wife, 
Yankee sweetheart, 
Fixed for life. 


■■■■ December 2nd. ■■ ' 

The Monroe DOCTRINE reads this way: 
“That leg of mutton’s there to stay, 

And whate’er gay old coyote, 

Thinks fit to eat that juicy meat 
Will have the Deuce TO PAY.” 


















BUBBLES. 


69 


December 3rd. — 

If there’s a lazy man on earth, 
Likewise a horrid bore, 

It is the man who orders goods 
To be shipped AS BEFORE. 


■■ ■ ■■ December 4th. . .—. 

In ev’ry store throughout the land, 
That’s worth the name of store, 
Each time such orders come to hand, 
He’ll be “cussed” AS BEFORE. 


.. December 5th. .— 

The reason why he’s called JOHN DOE, 
I briefly would explain, 

Dough is YANK for CASH and so, 
They would his CACHE make plain. 


■■ December 6th. — 

When Kelly left for the Soudan 
His sweetheart Belle, he missed; 
But Belle soon found another man 
Who kissed—like Kelly kissed. 


December 7th. . 

Paul Kruger he fought but he ran away, 
Bull, Buller and bullets they came to stay. 

















70 


BUBBLES 


■ . December 8th. ■ 

The man with idiot offspring 
The world o’er, near or far, 

First racks his brains, and then explains: 
“He got it from his ma”. 


. . December 9th. ■ 

“WEAKLY EXCUSE for too much ‘booze’, 
That it was ‘PAY DAY NIGHT’, 

Won’t go next week,” said Justice Beak, 

“A month in jail will p’r’aps avail 
Four weeks to keep you ‘tight’. ” 


— 1 December 10th. —— 

“They lie: I’m neither fast nor loose”, 
Said SOAK the drunken wight, 

“I ne’er could hold such TUNS of booze, 
Were I not good and tight.” 


'■ 1 December nth. ■■ » ■ 

The NICKEL-in-the-slot machine. 
Devised by NICK in ’ELL, 
Grabs in its hole the poor fool’s soul 
Wealth, honor, health as well. 


— ■ 1 December 12th. ■ ■ ■■ 

Drop five cents in a slot machine, 

And you may get a two-cent “smoke”, 
Hand in ten cents to the bar-man, 

And you’ll p’r’aps get a nickel “soak”. 
Play the silly games long enough 
And you’ll get eternally “BROKE”. 



















BUBBLES. 


7 * 


■ ■ ■ ■" 11 December 13th. .. 

From ship-wrecks that occur at night, 
(The devil is the JOKER), 

The ship-wrecked sailors go to heaven, 
The CHIP-wrecked get the POKER. 


■ ■ ■■■■■ . ■■ December 14th. .— 

“The pitcher goes oft to the well 
YET—” ofter to the INN, 

The YANKEE learnt the proverb well, 
So has his made of TIN. 


December 15th. . - 

BEANY, BRAINY, BEAUTIFUL, 
BOSTON by the sea. 

Where would all U. S. have been 
WITHOUT YOU AND THAT TEA? 


December 16th. . . ■■■- 

And ever since that TEA PARTY 
Steeped deep in brine the leaf divine 
(A judgment it must be) 

This fact remains, that, spite great pains, 
The YANKEES—CAN’T make tea. 


■ ■ ■■ December 17th. "■ 

Old proud and mighty LIVERPOOL 
You can the world in commerce school; 
Your ships go forth to every land, 

You hold the grain crop in your hand, 
King Cotton bows beneath your wand, 
Here’s luck; proud LIVERPOOL. 

















72 


BUBBLES. 


1 11 December i8th. ■■■■ 

Birkenhead: Dear sleepy head, 

Wake up from your dying bed 

Or haste your dying and be dead 

And prove that FUTURE (which seems fiction) 

By making glorious RESURRECTION. 


December 19th. " " 

Gay New Orleans your city gleans 
A checkered living—judged by scenes. 
One sign is black as black can be, 
Another’s white as a '‘BANSHEE”. 
COTTON, MOLASSES, these signs be. 


— ■ December 20th. —— 

Mary had a little lamb 
Which once to school did amble, 
But strait-laced Mae shoo’d it away 
Because she saw it gambol . 


— December 21st. ——— 

Man’s collar gets his choler up, 

He damns his buttons, darns his socks, 
And bastes his coat; ’twould “fill his cup” 
If he also wore stays and frocks. 


—■ 111 December 22nd. ■ — 

The Mayflower brought some good folks o’er; 

(They landed on their knees), 

And later came some Dandy Lions, 

Who “blew o’er” on the breeze. 

















BUBBLES. 


73 


" December 23rd. — 

“Doctor,” said Jim Jams, “how is this, 

That I of late, feel much amiss?” 

“Ah”, said Sawbones, “gay deceiver, 

You are suffering from hay fever.” 

“I stay in town, that cannot be”, 

“Towns have GRASS WIDOWS Jim”, said he. 


" ■ December 24th. 

Old RASTUS near the chicken pen, 

Got filled with tiny leaden shocks, 

And “by these signs now know all men” 
That RASTUS has the CHICKEN POX. 


— December 25th. —— 

When some old sinner smites your cheek, 
Don’t follow the old saw, 

But show your Christian science 
And “BIFF” HIM ON THE JAW. 


" December 26th. ■■ 

There was a young lady named JILL, 
Who went with Jack out on the hill. 

And they drank so much beer 
It made them quite queer, 

And that’s why they had that big spill. 


■ December 27th. 

There was a young fellow named BILL, 
Who said to his best girl, “I will”, 

But later he “wilted”, 

And then he got jilted, 

Because he could not “fill the bill”. 


















74 


BUBBLES. 


1 December 28th. ————■ 

There is a young town called Spokane, 

Has built on the river a dam, 

The “ booster ” he says there’s ten thousand H. P. 
The “knocker” can’t find enough for his tea, 

And that’s why he “rushes the can”. 


. — " December 29th. ■ ■■■■ .. ■ ■ 

“ENDE GUT, ALLES GUT”, in Germany they say, 

It seems to be the epitaph on pups that get too gay 
The butcher sneaks the doglets round, and grinds them up 
INCOG, 

And sells for German sausages the GIBLETS OF A DOG. 


1 December 30th. ■ ■ 

Sunday evening,—lots of whiskey, 
How he “chewed the rag”; 
Monday morning,—much less frisky, 
How he rued the “jag”. 


——— December 31st. ■■■ 

Hold peace my friend nor cavil so 
And say your money’s lost, 

We sold you RHYMES—and RIMES you know 
Must always prove a FROST. 


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